I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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