On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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