I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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