i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Let's paint friendship bongs
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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