woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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