Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
