So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
