You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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