Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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