I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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