so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
