Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
