I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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