Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
