you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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