I think my fart just growled at me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
