so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
