Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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