he shaved USA in his pubs
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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