You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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