I'm so fucking centered right now
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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