I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize