How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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