Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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