Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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