i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
only you would photoshop your dick
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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