last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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