I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
