Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
