WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
