He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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