On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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