My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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