I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
