Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
