So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
