what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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