Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
