when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
