Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
