I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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