Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
