Can i not drive my cunt home
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The best revenge is premature balding
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize