two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
