Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
