it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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