Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
