I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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