So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
