Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
