I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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