upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
