I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I touched a dick in church today
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
