i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
