My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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