and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
