My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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