he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
