Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
