guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
