fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
