The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
