im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
