theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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