mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
