I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
