allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
