Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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