Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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