Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
