hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
