theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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