Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
