I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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