I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
